Lately I've been thinking that my definition of unconditional love has evolved. I struggle with detaching. I tend to obsess and hold onto people, places and things longer than is healthy. There are only two real concepts to figure out in life: things you can control and things you can't. Love cannot be controlled. Rather, you can only control your response to it, how much energy you want to put into it and when to let it go. Love has never worked for me. It's never made me feel safe. It's never made me feel secure. It's never made me feel beautiful. It makes me feel weak. I despise weakness.
I've lost three friends whom I loved unconditionally. Two are former lovers. One, a platonic friend. They all defected for the same reason:
I spoke my mind and they didn't like what I said.
Ended relationships because I dared to say what I thought of some choice they made or thing they did. Not liking their choice didn't influence how I felt about them. I don't regret speaking my mind. It's true to who I am. I don't regret loving these people unconditionally because that's just how I'm wired. Turns out their love for me was transitory. So they are not in my life anymore which was their choice. It's become my choice over time. On some level, they are not the people I thought they were, or maybe I'm not the person they thought I was. Maybe one of us is toxic and the other mimics to avoid extinction. Heh heh...uh, didn't go so well. So much for the human trials on Batesian Mimicry! Either way, I accept the outcome. Those friendships have run their course.
This got me thinking about how effed up love is. Be it romantic or companionate. Who the hell invented this subjective emotion that has so much control over our lives? It's often hard for people to compartmentalize past loves and past friendships. Try as I might to do it, I still find myself getting emotional about someone not being who I thought they were. Why? How they are, I suspect, has very little to do with me. I came late to that game. It's their deal. Yet I let it manipulate my feelings. I let in usher in a new era of insecurity. I 'what if' myself into thinking it's all my fault. I let it 'what if' up my day. What if I can't stop? Then I'm totally what if'd!