The Definitive Guide to the History of Valentines

We've come upon the time to celebrate that most love-filled holiday: Valentine's day. Aptly named after St. Valentine, a priest who performed illegal marriages, it celebrates the day he was beaten to a pulp with clubs and stones - and then when that failed to kill him - was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate on Feb. 14, 269 A.D.

Many years later (496 A.D.) the Pope designated Feb. 14 as “Saint Valentine’s Day.”

Geoffrey Chaucer equated this piece of history with romantic love in 1393 - I'm thinking as a metaphor for what it does to your heart? Beats it to a pulp and if that doesn't work, rips it out and kills it?

Anyway, it wasn't until 1913 when Hallmark got involved and created their first, now famous Valentine's Card, thus bastardizing the death of St. Valentine for monetary gain.

Really though, Al Capone was the only one who seriously celebrated the true nature of the holiday, when on February 14, 1929, he orchestrated the massacre of seven men in Chicago to take down the boss of the North Side Gang. Known as the Valentine's Day Massacre, it forever cemented the romance of this magical day!

Then the chocolate maker, Ganong, decides to create the first heart-shaped box of chocolates in 1932. What a wonderful way to celebrate all of this historical death and carnage. Love and murder goes together like chocolate and ass sweat!

So wins.