The Incredible Valentine's Day Immolation

To all the shiny, happy lovers out there I wish you a heartfelt Happy Valentine’s Day! I am out of town on a business trip and have to work on this heart-and-flower-filled day. I have to wear ball gown, smile and dance like the corporate monkey that I am. Truth be told, I would rather be laying around in a onesie eating chips and vegging in front of the TV. This is the only way to ensure that I won't run into an ex at one of these work events.

For the unhitched, Valentine’s Day is known by many other names. Names that remind us why we are outsiders - the most famous of which is Single’s Awareness Day. I find it a bit tired though so I’d like to offer up some potential new options. If anyone has a greeting card company, hit me up!

Happy Hellentine's Day
Happy PDA Plague Day
Happy Winged Fat Baby Day
Happy No One Wants You Day
Happy You Won’t Get Laid Day
Happy You’ll Die Alone Day
Happy Erection Rejection Day
Happy Chocolate and Booze Binge Day
Happy World's Failure to Recognize You Day
Happy You’re Just Not Good Enough Day
Happy No Twig and Berries For You Day
Happy The Only Weiner & Bun You'll Get is at a Hot Dog Stand Day
Happy Victoria’s Got A Secret For Everyone But You Day
Happy You Don’t Use It Because You’ve Lost It Day
Happy Cupid Rhymes With Stupid Day
Happy No One Is Going to Suck on Your Juice Box Day
Happy You Don’t Get Flowers Anymore Day
Happy Hate Yourself Day
Happy Your Fat Ass Repels People Day
Happy Only Your Mom Loves You Day
Happy Hallmark Hates You Day
Happy Heart Stabber Day
Happy This Would Be The Time to Start Taking Drugs Day
Happy Jealous But It Will Pass Day
Happy Your Love Life Sucks Day
Happy Your Private Parts Will Remain Private Day
Happy Might As Well Not Have Genitals Day
Happy Kiss Yourself Because No One Else Wants To Day
Happy Remember You’re a Unlovable Loser Day
Happy Hey, You’re Completely Undesirable Day
Happy You’re Fucked But Not In a Good Way Day
Happy Heart-Shaped Hell Day
Happy No One Will Ever Love You Day
Happy No Chocolates For You Fatty Day
Happy You’re Never Getting Married Day
Happy They Are Fucking Someone Else Day
Happy Your Man Parts Are Basically an Extra Thumb Day
Happy Your Lady Parts Are Tumbleweed Day